Imagine our world without mirrors or anything that could reflect you. Have you ever thought how your self-perception would be, if you didn’t see yourself every day? Probably all of us have had moments in life, when we look into the mirror and see a huge disparity between what we think we are and what looks back at us from the mirror. I think this kind of moments increase with age. Is this woman with a bunch of gray hair really me? Where did these wrinkles come from? Why do I look like a woman at all?
I often ask myself, how would the “me” look like, if I forgot about how old I am, what I do for life, how I look like in the mirror, in other words, if I forgot how I am from the outside, from other people’s perspective. Every time I ask myself this question, I see myself as a child. This child me doesn’t have a certain age or appearance, but she’s definitely somewhere below 9 years, still quite little, not concerned about anything that concerns me now with my 29, and all the time I see her, she’s looking at the world with big, observing eyes. Her only wish is to explore the world. She doesn’t wear this heavy armor of “musts” and “shoulds”, that’s why she’s unbelievably light. I see her not only when I try to see her. She’s there at every emotional moment. When I’m very upset or very happy, when I can’t really control my face expression from the intensity of emotions, it’s not me expressing, it’s her. I mean, she’s me, of course, but “me” now is surrounded by a huge blanket of responsibilities, rules, limitations, gray hair, etc. Well, the adult me is who tries to hide those emotions and form them in socially acceptable shape. In this way, I’m trying to suppress my little me, actually my genuine me.
Who are you without a mirror, in this case a reminder of your social role? How old are you when you’re alone? How do you look? How do you behave?
The child in us is a real treasure, a raw core of our personality, something that will never disappear or even change. She will learn some of the things during the lifetime, like, how to not cry over movies, or how to not get really mad at people treating her unfairly, or how to look tough. But most of the stuff we’re living through in this weird world (like, why shouldn’t I cry when I watch a movie, why should I be furious when I see injustice, why should I stay tough and cool?), the child just doesn’t understand, so she stays naive, irrational, impulsive and confused forever. The world is basically home of 7 billion confused and scared children.
We’re so vulnerable in the inside. Like the thinnest, transparent porcelain cup. We should be handled gently, maybe that’s why we’re hiding the vulnerable inner child so carefully. The broken porcelain cup can’t be repaired and put back in exact the same shape as it was originally. Fortunately, we’re not cups, we’re humans. Nature made our minds and bodies always ready to restore. We have numerous defense mechanisms to protect us from mental or physical pain. Don’t be scared. We can afford to be vulnerable, we can let us be a child. And like the wise Japanese restore broken ceramic in a way that cracks shine more than the item itself, we can also let our cracks shine out and light our way. Fragility is the reason why we’re so scared to lose the others or to die. In other words, it’s the reason why we love and appreciate life and each other.
“Sei erschütterbar” – says Peter Handke in one of his poems. Be shatterable. These words give me goosebumps. We raise ourselves so tough, we need to be reminded to be what we actually are, and what makes us human beings – vulnerable. Remembering about vulnerability is not everything, it needs so much courage, so much bravery just to say, ok, now I’m completely shattered, somebody help me, somebody hug me.
Give it a try. Humans are there for each other. Remind this to others and get the hug you deserve.
Learn to be vulnerable, learn to be a kid a bit more, play, laugh, cry, forget mirrors, forget other’s eyes looking at you. Find people who let you be a child. Let others see your vulnerability and respect your fragility. Allow others to be fragile. Handle other beings with care, maybe it’ll hurt you sometimes, but it’s worth it – you’re giving the most luxurious gift in life – acceptance and the freedom to be oneself. Love the child in you, find children in others and watch the world loving you back.
mirror of a restless mind 